SURVIVAL TIPS FOR PARENTS

Don’t give up! My parents were exactly where you are today. But we survived, and so can your family. Their successes can be your triumphs. Their mistakes can be your enlightenment.

I counsel thousands of parents all across the country at my lectures and seminars. Outlined below I answer their most common questions. This information has helped them and it will help you.

Is there a typical profile of a bullied child?

Yes, it is the child best described as “an old soul trapped in a young body.” This is the child who is sensitive and compassionate beyond his/her years, and usually more comfortable in the company of adults than other kids. In most cases, the harder they try to fit in at school, the more they’re singled out for abuse.

How do I know if my child is being bullied?

Obviously you suspect it, or you wouldn’t be seeking me out. That said, the most common signs are: sudden increase or decrease in grades; major change in weight; extreme make-over attempts; inexplicable fits of rage; frequently sick; makes excuses to avoid going to school; doesn’t want to ride the school bus; doesn’t talk on the phone or communicate with friends via the internet.

What’s my child really feeling?

He/she is feeling what I did. I felt like everyone else had control over my life except me—my parents and teachers, the kids who were tormenting me. I was also frustrated with all the clichés I kept hearing from adults like “ignore the bullies and they’ll go away,” or “they’re just jealous.” None of it was helping, and in fact, though all those grown-ups meant well, they were making things so much worse for me. But most of all, I was desperately lonely and kept asking myself over and over, “what’s wrong with me?” It would be a question that I would keep asking into my late thirties, until one remarkable night, which I write about in PLEASE STOP LAUGHING AT ME…

Oh no, I’m guilty. What should I be saying?

First, let’s review what you shouldn’t say:

• “Ignore the bullies and they’ll go away.”
• “They’re just jealous.”
• “Years from now, you’ll be so successful, and these kids who are picking on you will be in jail, scrubbing floors or worse.”
• “I know how you feel…”
• “Be patient”

Here’s what you should say and do:

• Step One—“I don’t know how you feel. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in, but it must be awful.” Then, sit back, and let your child vent.

• Step Two—“Let’s talk about an action that we can take together today towards helping to solve this problem of bullying that you’re facing.” Next, pick up the phone or jump on the internet while your child is there sitting with you, and contact the biggest public library, the YMCA or community center, local park district, and village hall ONE TOWN over. Ask them to send you lists of organized activities for kids. They’ll each send you several pages with activities ranging from martial arts and computer clubs to teen theater and reader’s groups. Review these lists with your child and help him choose one or two, and immediately enroll him in this activity. It’s important that you go one town or one school district over because you want your child to meet new faces and make new friends outside of school.

• Step Three—When you bring your child to this activity, meet and befriend some of the other parents and suggest social outings that your families can all enjoy together.

• Step Four—If you think a therapist would benefit your child, make sure you research the therapist thoroughly. I recommend that you choose a therapist who is not an advocate of tough love techniques, prescribes psyche meds if necessary only after the fourth session and welcomes a second opinion on any prescription. It’s also important that, once you choose a mental health professional, you and your family attend the first few sessions with your child. So often, bullied kids feel like there’s something wrong with them. When you all see the therapist together as a family initially, it makes your child feel like you’re addressing a problem together as opposed to he or she is the problem.

• Step Five—Now that you’ve arranged a new social outlet for your child through outside activities, and found a therapist for the help and support you need, it’s time to address the school. Start with the school counselor. If the school is supportive, do everything you can to work with them. If they stonewall you, keep on working your way up, from the Principal, to the Superintendent all the way to the School Board. If that doesn’t work, contact the education reporter at your local daily paper. You’d be surprised how quickly a school responds when they are faced with the power of the press.

• Start an IT’S NOT JUST JOKING AROUND Support Group in your community. Reach out to other parents whose children are also being bullied and unite. For more information on how to launch an INJJA support group please contact my office for more information.

What if you suspect your child is the mean popular kid? How do you know for sure?

First, it’s important to remember that if your child is the bully, it’s not because he or she is bad. There’s no such thing as a bad kid. Your child is acting out because something else in their life is hurting them. Before you give into anger or disappointment that your child is treating others badly, think about how your child is being treated by others in your own home.

There are several “tests” that you can do to determine if your child may be a bully.

• Casually ask your child if there’s anyone at school who gets picked on or teased for being “weird,” or “different,” someone who seems lonely, or who your child would describe as the outcast. Wait a week or ten days, then ask your child if they’d like to invite their friends over for pizza, and suggest they ask the outcast to join them. If your child is open to the idea, chances are your child is not a bully. If your child aggressively resists inviting their lonely classmate, you may have a bully, or at the very least, a “follower” or “bystander.”

• Pay attention to your child’s telephone conversations. Keep an open and curious ear. Does your child laugh with friends at someone else’s expense? Do they gossip about others?

• Be a vigilant parent and keep track of your child’s internet communications. Does your child post nasty opinions on blogs, or use Instant Messaging to put others down or exclude them behind their backs?

• Does your child exhibit compassion when talking about anyone at school who’s “different,” or do they express disdain for the unpopular?

Some of that seems familiar. I think my kid may be a bully. What should I do?

You have to remember that the bully is bleeding too. The bully is the flipside of the same coin. Bullies aren’t mean because they’re bad kids. They’re mean because something else in life is hurting them. That’s why traditional punishment doesn’t work. It only makes an angry kid angrier. Try Compassionate Discipline. Here are a few examples:

• Your child gets in trouble for teasing the chubby girl at school. Instead of grounding her, make her volunteer for an afternoon at the pediatric eating disorders unit of the nearest local hospital, so she can learn firsthand what can happen when you tease someone about their weight.

• Your child bullies and picks on anyone who’s not part of the “popular crowd.” Tell your child that for the next week, he/she must go out of their way to do one nice thing for a different person every day, and that if they do not, then they will be punished. Each day, they must write on a piece of paper one paragraph describing the act of kindness, one paragraph describing the recipient’s response, and one paragraph describing how the response made them feel. The recipient must sign and date the piece of paper and write their phone number. Call a few of the recipients to verify your child’s compliance. Rather than punishing your child for being cruel, Compassionate Discipline helps them to experience the joy and rewards of being kind.

What’s your opinion about transferring schools?

Whether you’re the bully or the victim, a new school is rarely the answer. Who you are goes with you wherever you go, and if the next school doesn’t work, it only makes the child feel like a failure twice. That’s why I recommend to parents of victims to find their child a new social outlet through the park district or other public organization outside of school. New friends will give the victim an emotional lifeline, not to mention increased confidence, and a confident child is harder to bully. Parents of bullies are better off trying Compassionate Discipline techniques like those described above, as well as looking at their own family dynamic. You can change schools, but unless you change the circumstances that are making your child angry or insecure enough to bully someone else, you’re not solving the problem.

If there’s one thing I should remember to tell my child, what is it?

If your child is a victim of bullying or exclusion, tell them “There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s everything that’s RIGHT about you that makes you stand out!” If your child is the bully or even the bystander, tell them “It’s Not Just Joking Around! When you tease or exclude someone, you are damaging that person for life, and that bullying isn’t just the cruel things you do, it’s all the nice things you NEVER do—that letting someone sit alone at lunch or always picking the same person last for gym can hurt as much or more than hitting them.”

What’s the most important thing I need to keep reminding myself to get through this?

You’re not alone. I’m here for you. Please email me with any questions. You can also download the various anti-bullying programs I offer directly from this site.

Thank you for being such great parents that you have found your way here.

Heartfelt hugs,
Jodee

Note from The Blanco Group:
You can read more about this topic, along with the remarkable events that have happened in Jodee’s life in her next book, Please Stop Laughing at Us…to be published by BenBella Books in September, 2007.

Please click here for advance notice of the sale date.

Please help Jodee make the statement to educators and lawmakers that bullying is unacceptable behavior in our society by helping us debut the book on the New York Times Bestseller list. Click here to be added to her mailing list, we’ll keep you posted on the exact date it will hit the stores.